My Life: A Cautionary Tale, Chapter 1

I grew up poor. Not completely destitute, more like bad 70’s-country-western-song kind of poor. You know, broken down pickup truck in the driveway of dilapidated mobile home with no groceries most of the time. Part of the reason we were so poor was my stepdad (aka the stepmonster) would drink most of his paycheck. The other part was my mother was bipolar and would go on spending sprees buying crazy crap that nobody needed and went out with other guys to get back at the stepmonster for being drunk all of the time. Yep, pretty much straight from a Hank Williams Jr. song.

At first, as a kid, I thought that all of the fights and violence were my fault. I couldn’t exactly come up with a rational reason why, I just felt that if the stepmonster and my mother were fighting it must be my fault. Actually, I think part of it may have come from my half-brother clearly being both my mother’s and the stepmonster’s favorite. I can only assume the reason for that from my mother’s side was because he was the youngest. For the stepmonster, my half-brother shared an interest in sports that I never had, being plagued with severe asthma most of my life (strangely manifesting once the stepmonster entered our lives.)

For most of my childhood, I was afraid all of the time. Listening to my mother and the stepmonster fight terrified me. It got worse if any of us kids were visible. There was always a chance he would seek one of us out to take out some of his drunken rage. Once, I was in some kind of argument with my half-brother while they were fighting. Before I realized what was happening, he picked me up by the throat and slammed me against the wall. Just before I blacked out, he let me go. I think I was 11 or 12 years old at the time.

Eventually, that fear turned into rage. I don’t know if that happened by me turning into a teenager or finding and embracing the metal and industrial music scene. Probably a wee bit of both. I clearly remember hearing the Suicidal Tendencies song Institutionalized and thinking, these guys get me.

“I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in
And they pulled up a chair and they sat down, they go:
Mike, we need to talk to you
And I go: Okay what’s the matter
They go:
Me and your mom have been noticing lately that you’ve been having a lot of problems,
You’ve been going off for no reason and we’re afraid you’re gonna hurt somebody,
We’re afraid you’re gonna hurt yourself
So we decided that it would be in your interest if we put you somewhere
Where you could get the help that you need
And I go: Wait, what are you talking about, we decided!?
My best interest?! How do you know what’s my best interest is?
How can you say what my best interest is? What are you trying to say, I’m crazy?
When I went to your schools, I went to your churches,
I went to your institutional learning facilities?! So how can you say I’m crazy?

They say they’re gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I’ll be dead

I’m not crazy — institution
You’re the one who’s crazy — institution
You’re driving me crazy — institution
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy — myself

It doesn’t matter, I’ll probably get hit by a car anyway”

I took in as much music as I could find and afford. Some of it was pretty mainstream like Metallica and The Scorpions (the first album I ever purchased.) Others were a little off the beaten path and would require trips to stores like Cellophane Square or Bombshelter to find. I loved Bombshelter not only for the records, but they also had a great selection of skateboarding gear and a guy that worked there named Russ was great to chat with about what was cool.

I started working as soon as I could. First at a place that printed and delivered newspapers. Eventually, I found an office job writing code and doing data entry at night while I tried to pay my way through community college. It wasn’t great but it was a paycheck. I’m pretty sure the company was a front for the mafia. It seemed like every month I met a new big, Italian guy in a suit in the office. My boss would joke, a new set of vowels and a new nose.

My life became an endless loop of going to class, studying and working with every weekend spent going to shows or skateboarding. I couldn’t afford a place on my own, so the goal was to spend as little time at home as possible. I basically kept my clothes and computer there and tried to get some sleep at night when there wasn’t a screaming match happening.

After a year or so of this, I started to get really depressed. The loop seemed inescapable. I thought I would never make any progress and get out on my own. I mentioned how I wanted to learn more, to be more to one of guys at my office job. He had kind of taken me under his wing. We would occasionally go out mountain biking, sometimes he would slip me a beer or two since I was still underage. He told me he had just the thing for me, an audio program from Zig Ziglar.

That began my decent into the self-help vortex. I stopped listening to music in my car and instead would listen to Zig. I tore through the first program, then the next, then the next. Eventually, I went through my colleague’s entire library. I didn’t have the money to buy any audio programs, so I started grabbing either used books or books from the library. The first book I picked up that I feel made a lasting impression on me was How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

Even though I was older, I still lived with crushing fear and distrust of people. I had very little self-confidence and was afraid of approaching most people. Although far from a transformation, reading that book really helped me meet people and live a happier life. The lesson about, Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain probably helped me the most but not in a way I could appreciate at the time.

Being so filled with anger and fear, I typically dwelled on everything negative in my life. I am sure I complained constantly, although at the time I couldn’t see it. Obviously, this didn’t exactly make me a joy to be with, but it also kept my mind focused on everything that was terrible at the time. Once I started taking the book’s lesson to heart, not only was I more pleasant to be around but I also started seeing those sparks of good in my troubled life.

There were many other books that helped me live a much happier life and become a better person, someone I am proud to be today. Join me another time where I can share more with you those life-changing tomes.